~Healing, Death, and New Visions~

Returning from a solid 5 weeks of jungle healing, much of the recent past has been given perspective. Charlie and I held the time as a deep retreat, spending our days in stillness and movement meditations, silence, critical inquiry, and the cultivation of unreasonable joy. Certainly this is a challenging regimen, and sometimes I was simply not up to it. 'I just want it to all come easily!' (i.e. 'I want to be unconscious') But underneath this all is the deep heart-tug that keeps pulling me back to consciousness.

Since somewhere during the 3-month retreat, I have been unable to stay unconscious for long. Something is stirring. And by saying 'something', I do not mean to say that I am not sure what it is. For the first time in my spiritual searching, I feel sure about this. I feel sure now about only one thing...this thing. But, the cosmic irony of it, is that I cannot say what it is. I could use certain terms (brahman, heart of christ, buddhanature, the diamond eye, the murky mysterious tao, etc.), but what would this tell you? So vague these names. The basic conundrum is that it is pure awareness, and any attempt to describe this pure awareness get one nowhere. For the moment I point and say, 'this is pure awareness', it could only be something pure awareness is knowing. It's always the object, never the subject. Its totally mind-blowing, mind-silencing, and this is quite the point.

So, with this quieted mind, vital body, and vulnerable heart, I re-entered into communion with the sacred plants. By far, this time was most powerful, bringing out and bringing in such forces. The simple local food diet and mellow plant diet brought me deep into the jungle spirit, grounding me and preparing me for the stronger medicines. During this whole time, I took ayahuasca only 3 times. I held myself to doing it only when I felt I was being called to do it. But 3 times was enough ;)

Los Vomiteros

During the final 2 ceremonies, I had powerful egoic death experiences. Every layer peeling away, 'there goes the body. oh, there goes the personality. there goes memory. there goes mind.' And sometimes some fear surfaced in these experiences, but wisdom arose to pierce it with presence. And though all of what I would call 'me' was stripped away, 'something' remained. This something, of course, is the pure awareness, the subtle blissful witnessing. In being stripped away, all that was lost was self-imposed limitations, and in the space that remained, I found I.


Though vastly different in approach, the result was the same as at certain moments during the long retreat. I came to (near) complete rest, (near) complete stillness, (near) complete letting go. Spontaneously, in my mind, came the phrase, 'Heart of Christ'. Yes, this is the Heart of Christ, this ever-present space containing and beyond all experience. It is so vast, so infinitely vast, and at perfect peace with its vastness. Yet it is also so close, so intimate and familiar. I wish every being to know this perfect core sitting at the center of every imperfect experience. It is liberation itself, it is truth itself. And no one can give it to you...it cannot be mediated, cannot be possessed, cannot be commoditized. If someone's selling it, it ain't it.

Hands-on Healing

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Towards the end of my shamanic journeying, a received a big surprise. I described in a previous post, that the sense or urge to 'seek' had become very weak, and that for the first time I was not striving to discover my 'path' or my vocation in this life. I just put it down, let it be in the unreasonable fulfillment of pure awareness. So imagine my surprise when the plants sent me a huge download of detailed information concerning my future service. My previous visits with the plants, I had always asked for clarity concerning my path, and I always got the same response, 'You are on the right path, keep going with what you are doing'. Not a very satisfying answer for a hungry mind.

And during this trip, when I had no thoughts or desires concerning this one's vocation and future doings, I received what could be called 'clear and detailed spiritual guidance'. Ahh, the ironic universe. In truth, I approached this trip with a total confidence that I would know what to do when the time came, unlike the other trips where I doubted the path and my ability to walk it.

So what came through? Though I will leave the copious details out, I am to help bring forth a center of healing and reconnection, specifically focused on youth, developmentally challenged youth, and families. And this is an interesting contradiction in my current understanding, for this 'pure awareness' needs no healing or reconnection. It is unconditioned, beyond space and time. So it would be misleading to believe that this work is about fundamentally fixing or changing people.

Rather, it is about creating the space and supportive circumstances to bring about conscious, steady connection with the reality of this pure awareness. The plants made clear that this supportive space is a space of 'authentic play'...a space of presence, listening, vulnerability, spontaneity, non-presumption, joy and wonder. This space encourages a dropping of filters and pretense, and facilitates contact with the deep heart, with reality. So in honor of this theraputic space, the name 'Playful Heart' has arisen, and I am bringing this forth to the internet on www.playfulheart.org.

Heart Chakra

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And now I once again say goodbye to the powerful and loving amazon, pachamama, and my friend and healer Otilia. I return to the states, spending some time at home with family, sharing the gifts that have been shared with me. I have applied for a position at Hawthorne Valley Farm, where they run a school-to-farm program year round. This was also part of the jungle clarity, a place to reconnect with play and youthwork in the context of farm and nature. After a long hiatus, I find myself naturally drawn back to the work of the DharmaFarmer. Mysterious and lovely.


All my relations...great gratitude, great gratitude. Aho!
OneLight